Our Marriage Story

  • Jim & Donna Burke

We frequently—and freely—tell our marriage story, for it is a gospel story. It follows below, using an interview style.

Interviewer: Tell me about your background.

Donna: Donna:  I was born in Austin, Texas, the second of four children, with three brothers. My parents were loving, taught us the value of hard work, and were very involved in our lives. I worked extremely hard to gain the approval of others and success in anything I desired to accomplish. I grew up in a church that provided many social activities but offered little teaching of the gospel. My parents taught us to treat others with kindness and to hold to a moral standard, but there were no conversations about God outside of church and only short, rote prayers at mealtime.

Jim: I grew up in South Louisiana in a culture of French Catholicism. My mother’s family spoke French in the home. My dad came from a prominent family; however, his father was an alcoholic and his parents divorced when he was young. My father’s parenting style was based on his Marine Corp training and my mother struggled emotionally, having had five kids in seven years. I was the fifth child of six. Our life revolved around the Catholic calendar. Growing up I lived a dual life. In public, I was a nice guy who did good things. Inside, my heart pursued numerous sins.

Interviewer: Could you share your experiences with marriage and divorce?

Donna: I married at age 23 and spent the next several years 150% invested in teaching elementary school. I was not a believer and my marriage was not built on a biblical foundation.

At age 28, the Lord used the loss of my first two babies through miscarriage to show me where my heart was ruled by comfort, perceived power, success, and other people’s approval. He showed me my need for Him and opened my heart to believe in Him as my Lord and Savior. Eventually I gave birth to two boys, born 19 months apart. During those pregnancies and baby-to-toddler years, the Lord continued teaching me He was faithful and could be trusted even when I could see no visible evidence that He was working.

After 16 years of marriage, my husband had an affair, filed for divorce, and would not consider reconciliation. I became a single mom of two small boys. During the year it took to finalize the divorce, the Lord showed me where I had contributed to our marriage’s breakdown. Even then, God kept showing me He was to be the source of my strength...showing me who He was and who I wasn’t, and how to walk in humility as I struggled to accept my life as a divorced woman and single mom. I was learning my identity had to be in Him and not in my circumstances, which were difficult for many years.

Jim: I moved my family to Denton, Texas in 1989. Within a few short years I was 34, divorced, and nearly bankrupt with four children. My wife had just graduated with her PhD and filed for divorce.

Even though I would have said I was a Christian, I was completely ignorant of who God was and had no idea what a relationship with Jesus looked like. My dual life had completely imploded. Following the divorce, I began attending a Bible-teaching church where I learned the truth of Scripture. Through the Holy Spirit’s work I put my faith in Jesus as Lord and Savior.

Interviewer: How did you two meet?

Donna: I was divorced for a few years prior to meeting Jim at church. At the time, I wouldn’t consider dating. Jim just seemed to be at every church Bible study I attended with my friends. But after my ex-husband remarried, I decided it would be ok to get to know Jim.

Jim: I met Donna while attending a Bible study. A friend introduced us. But it took Donna a while to agree to a date.

Interviewer: Obviously, you got married… Tell me about that.

Donna: We got married in 2000 after dating only 5 months. We blended a family of six kids, five boys and one girl ranging in ages from 12 to 19. I thought we were going to be The Brady Bunch, but our blended family, to put it mildly, was a “train wreck.”

I thought Jim and I married because we were crazy in love with each other. I now know that although I loved Jim, I was actually more in love with myself. He was the missing piece to my dream, making me feel wonderful about myself, loving my two boys, being protective of me, and appearing to offer me everything I needed to protect the kingdom I had set up for myself and for my children.

Jim: When we got back from our honeymoon, we were so excited. We didn’t account for the fact that eight sinners—me, Donna, and our combined six kids—would be coming together beneath one roof. We weren’t prepared for the fallout. Plus, my ex-wife had remarried two years prior. I never anticipated the negative impact outside households, her’s and Donna’s ex-husband’s, would have on ours.

Interviewer: What was that like, encountering the external difficulties and the internal sin issues?

Donna: Marital bliss ended within six months of us marrying. We didn’t realize the deep wounds our children carried from our divorces. Our own wounds also quickly came to the surface.

Our new marriage was fertile ground for rebellion, anger, hurt, resentment, and jealousy. Our home became a war zone. Our children fought with each other; Jim and I fought over issues with the kids; and we had not even begun to deal with our own issues because we were constantly trying to put out fires with our children and the parents of our children. My kingdom was quickly falling apart. My dream was crumbling before my eyes.

Those were painful and dark days. Two years into our marriage, my sons chose to live with their dad. I was devastated, completely wrecked. The Lord used that wreckage to reveal idols I had created. He wanted to be my first love, but I had replaced Him with Jim and my sons. But the Lord wanted the allegiance of my whole heart and would settle for nothing less.

Jim: We were taken to court five times by our children’s other households in our first six years of marriage. And we rarely had all our children together in the same place at the same time—a reality that remains to this day.

I found myself angrier than I had been in my life. My life was out of control, and there was nothing I could do to bring it in control. It was an unbelievable mess that truly defies explanation. I was barely holding on to my sanity and my faith in Jesus.

Interviewer: How did you find light in those painful, dark, and angry days?

Donna: Four years into our marriage we reached a place where we could not solve even the simplest of problems. That’s when we sought help from the Reconciliation Ministry at the church we were attending. We laid everything out to them and they told us we had every strike against us: custody battles, hurt and unhappy children, unhealed wounds, unrealistic expectations, anger…on and on the list went. They offered free counseling, but they had no mentoring couple that could relate to all our marriage issues. That was not the most encouraging day, but we knew God had something to say about our marriage. We were now ready to surrender it to Him and to ask Him to make of our marriage what He wanted.

Jim: Our pre-marriage mentoring couple refused to take us back. When the head of the Reconciliation Ministry told us “we had every strike against us,” I was relieved. I felt validated in my insanity. I was not making things up; we really were in that crazy of a situation. Though all the family problems continued, in May of 2006 our youngest decided to move out of the house. That’s when we could begin to really focus on our marriage.

Interviewer: But eventually you did work with a mentoring couple?

Donna: Our mentoring couple was intentionally intrusive. They made their home a place where we could confess openly about our issues. They simply walked alongside us, speaking God’s truth to us, praying for and over us. (I should probably add that my mentor was the woman who shared the gospel with me and discipled me for a year 20 years prior.)

Since all the custody issues were now behind us, we could begin to pursue what the Lord wanted our marriage to reflect—and that was Him. As I pursued the Lord within a strong community of believers, I began to better understand God’s design for marriage. As the Lord grew my love for Him, He also showed me how to better love Jim. God began to teach me more about not only the beauty of the gospel but also about my own heart and the value of being known by others. I learned it was okay to not be okay but to walk in confession and repentance.

Jim: Yes, that’s right. We started to meet with an older couple from another church who was willing to mentor us. They met with us together and individually, prayed for us, ate with us, and walked along side us. One night we went to their home due to an immediate need to address my anger. My mentor took out his Bible and read from James 5:16: “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” My mentor anointed my forehead with oil, praying that God would break my cycle of going to anger instead of to the cross. For me, something changed that night.

Interviewer: How have you changed through counseling and mentoring?

Donna: God continues to show me there is not a day in my marriage to Jim that ministry is not required. He also keeps revealing areas of pride and idolatry. I now understand Jesus purchased my life and Jim’s at the cross—the ultimate sacrifice—so nothing I am and nothing I have belongs to me, not even the most intimate areas like my marriage. I was given life and breath to glorify God.

The more I love and pursue God, the more I love Jim. The Lord continues to help me understand that a marriage of love, unity, and understanding is not rooted in romance. It is rooted in worship—worship of God.

When my life is shaped by worship, I don’t tend to shrink my world down to my wants, felt needs, or feelings, and I am more aware of God’s presence, power, and promises. I am now more aware of how desperate I am for God’s grace, especially His grace to rescue me from myself. This makes it easier for me to see that Jim is not the only sinner in our relationship, and he is not more of a sinner than I am.

I also cannot let myself think that my marriage can be healthy if I live in isolation from a community of believers. The Lord continues to show me how much I need encouragement, correction, grace, and love through a community of believers.

Jim: God took me from being angry, controlling, and shame-filled to someone who could glorify, honor, and praise Him. Being consumed with trying to “fix” our marriage and family didn’t do anything. But when I invited God into my brokenness and let Him do the healing, things changed. God started showing me glimpses of how our story could reveal His ultimate goodness. Over time my shame and guilt for my past, my dual life of “nice guy” and secret sin began to disappear. And, Donna and I now had the time and the foundation to come together and really learn what God had for our marriage.

God has done an amazing work in rebuilding our marriage. Even through all the trials and difficulties, He continued to be faithful. We never considered divorce, no matter how great the difficulties. God keeps unearthing anger, control, and shame. He has been so gracious to walk me through the pain and transform me little by little. Now, He is allowing us to help others realize restoration and reconciliation, the things we have received from Him.

I still have difficulties, of course. Most recently, they have arisen as distance continues to increase between me and my adult children. But even in this new season, God continues to faithfully pursue me. He uses these circumstances to grow me, mature me, and move me. When my flesh says, “fight or flight,” the Holy Spirit gently reminds me to “abide” and points me to the cross.

Interviewer: So now you’re in Austin.

Jim and Donna: Yes, we moved to Austin in 2015 to care for Donna’s parents. That’s been hard in some ways. It seems to have created even more distance with some of our children. However, we cannot overemphasize the honor in caring for Donna’s parents. When Donna’s father passed away, we discovered the joyous responsibility of caring for Donna’s mother, a widow without her husband of 67 years. We are truly thankful God has given us this season of life and the opportunities He has given us to share our story and to counsel others.

We know Satan is ready to distract and impede our high view of biblical marriage—our ongoing challenges speak to that reality. And yet, God is perfect. Today, and every day, we choose to put our marriage in the hands of our all-loving, sovereign, and powerful God.